The other day I got a text message from my best friends wife that simply said "will you be Santa for me next week?" Now remember, I weigh about 100 pounds soaking wet, I am only 27, I am balding, and if I tried to grow a beard you'd think I simply had dirt on my face. So I assumed she was kidding... She wasn't! I agreed, but now I had to learn how to do it! Instead I found how not to... 

  • Never work with animals

  • Don’t sneak up on people

  • Don’t be younger than the child on your lap

  • Don’t poke anyone’s eyes out with your waxed mustache

  • Don’t drug the children

  • Be a human, not a random assortment of household objects heaped under a blanket

  • Less is more, darling, less is more

  • Don’t Santa from the electric chair

  • Don't be this guy!

  • Don’t be a drunken 14-year-old boy

  • Don’t make it look like a hostage situation

  • Don’t be a zombie

  • Don’t grab random children off the street and run away cackling

  • Don't Laugh at the cry babies