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I Used Tinder for the First Time This Weekend, Here’s What I Learned

I said I would never do it. But hey, turns out I’m no better than anyone else, so I got in on the fun.

Late Saturday night, I abandoned my soap box after years of protest, and decided to make like Nike and just do it. Here’s what the men of Northern Colorado’s Tinder had to offer, and what I learned from this wild experience.

Tinder

1) There are plenty of dead fish in the sea. — Seriously, 7/10 guys are holding a fish in at least one photo.

Also a popular prop: Dead elk. Just, I don’t know, ditch the animal carcasses, please. *Left*

2) There is no shortage of bros holding dogs. Big dogs, small dogs. Thankfully, they are alive.

3) There is no shortage of bros holding dogs with a description that reads, ‘Proud single father of (insert dog breed here).’ We don’t appreciate being tricked into thinking you’re a father of a human being. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but again, you’re not going to be putting your rescue German Shepard through college so there’s kind of a difference.

4) Yeah, a lot of people are using Tinder to hook up, but not everyone. That reputation is why I never wanted to try it, but you know, there were a lot of genuine people who just wanted to meet someone new and chat. I matched with a guy who sent me the message below, which admittedly, I got a kick out of. We proceeded to just talk about music from there on, which I always enjoy.

Capture3

That said, there were also a few who definitely only wanted to get in my pants and possibly murder me.

5) Some of my exes are on Tinder.  This was another reason I never wanted to try it. But, you know what? Girl ain’t even mad they’re on there. I am a little mad, however, most of the photos they used on their profiles were my photos.

Maybe I should be flattered that I take such great pictures, my exes use them to attract new girlfriends. Maybe start charging royalties? Well, at least they cropped me out.

On that note…

6) What’s with the other girls in guys’ photos? Just a heads up, fellas, that makes us swipe left right away. We know she’s not your cousin; get over her. 

7) I found out I’m a Tinder unicorn. Tinder made me feel really insecure. It’s 100% based on looks — and your ‘anthem’ — and I’m not one of those hot girls with an Instagram full of salad pictures and sexy selfies. I felt reassured, however, after a few of the guys who messaged me said they swiped right  because I seemed ‘interesting.’ I guess being a little weird worked in my favor?

There aren’t a lot of glitter-wig and sequin-bodysuit-wearing roller skaters on the other side of Tinder, apparently. Yoga poses, standing on mountains and group photos are the dead elk, fish and snowboarding pics of the girls’ end (So, ladies, if you want to stand out — ditch those!).

8) Be a Tinder unicorn, guys! Instead of abs-in-the-mirror photos, one guy I saw put up Power Point presentation slides for why you should swipe right on him. This probably gave me the best laugh, and I dug the creativity. One of his reasons was that he’s not a murderer.

Could still be a murderer.

9) I saw a lot of people I know — most of whom through my professional life.  All great guys, might I add. But I mean, when you already know them, do you swipe left…right…? Oh, either way, it is too awkward.

By the way, Tinder etiquette: If you end up not matching with someone you know, please, never speak of it to them. Think of Tinder like Fight Club; it’s just best that way.

10) Tinder is like Heroin. I didn’t feel great about doing it, but I couldn’t stop. I felt so down and rejected when like, five of the guys I right swiped didn’t ‘match’ me right off the bat. I thought, ‘Why do people do this, I just feel like s***?!’

So then I’d just keep going.

Eventually some matches started to trickle in, and it did kind of give me a little bit of a high. I will say though, I have changed my perception of Tinder. It’s likely I’ll delete it (because it’s too addicting), but there may be one — or two — guys I actually would like to continue getting to know.

I don’t ‘super like’ it, but I guess I swipe right.

***

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