The Five Girls You’ll Date in Fort Collins
Denver Westword recently posted the ‘Seven More Denver Women You’ve Probably Dated,’ so we’ve made a version tailored to our very own here in Northern Colorado.
Admittedly, I’ve never dated a girl from Fort Collins, but I’ve dated some guys who have. And, I’m basically an expert on being a girl in Fort Collins. Dating… not so much. But the girl part. Anyway. Here are the five girls you’ll date from Fort Collins.
The Coffee Shop Girl
She wears Warby Parkers and sometimes a beanie. She enjoys poetry, Sylvia Plath and hanging around at the Alley Cat, where you’ll meet her one day, when you both try to plug your laptop chargers into the same outlet.
After two weeks, you’ll accidentally wear a polo shirt on your date, she’ll say you’re cramping her style and dump you. You’ll be relieved though, because she was only 20 and you just want to go rebound at the Rec Room.
THAT Girl from the Rec Room
You know, THAT one. She’s also sometimes dancing on the bar at Bondi’s. She loves taking shots and selfies with her sorority sister besties — and accidentally hooking up with her ex.
By day though, her name is Ashley, Jessica or Britney, and she works at Coopersmiths or C.B. & Potts or something with her best friend. Ashley.
They look pretty much the same and have an affinity for having words on their butts.
At first things are great because, admittedly, she’s pretty hot. After she posts five Instagrams in one day with you #bae, you unfollow her, and then she throws her non-fat sugar-free iced vanilla frappacino on you and unfollows you. But, for real.
The Yoga Instructor
She teaches classes at Elan three nights a week after she gets off of her job at the new Trader Joe’s. But, she still has time to share a kombucha with you and go to a mediocre local folk band show at the Aggie Theatre.
Needless to say, after trying to impress her with raw dinner from Tasty Harmony and an intermediate Bikram yoga class…. you may let something slip a little too early in the relationship, and you’ll be back on Tinder by 9 p.m.
The Grad Student
She’s smart, she’s driven and she’s got a pair of really long… thesis papers. Ultimately, she’s got it together.
But, she’s a little stressed out, and she’s not afraid to let you know just how badly. Because she’s a grad student.
Things were OK at first, but now, everything you do is offensive. It seems everything that comes out of your mouth is a social injustice. One day, after she finds a Facebook photo of you from your fraternity days hashtagged #nohomo, she’ll dump your non-P.C. butt.
The All-Around FOCO Find
She’s got huge jugs — Nalgene jugs, that is. And she looks good in her North Face jacket and jeans tucked into boots. She’s got every craft brewery represented on the back of her car and a hair feather from 2010. Did I mention she has a great rack? A ski rack, that is. She’ll climb Horsetooth at sunrise any day and stuff her face in a burrito with you at Cafe Mexicalli.
You may think she’s the best girl out there, but one weekend at Redfeather and too many PBRs, she’ll be helping your best friend pitch his tent, and the two of you will be history when she starts knockin’ boots in his sleeping bag.